“See me for who I am, and then you’ll see the real me.”
― Anthony T. Hincks
I have had many adjectives assigned (allotted? thrown?) to/at me over the years. Most, I believe, are positive: athletic, strong, caring, generous, beautiful, smart, intelligent, cultured, interesting, resilient (why do I cringe with this one?), open, accepting, helpful, talented, optimistic, realistic, honest, funny. Some, I know, are negative: bitchy, cold, heartless, naive, disorganized, lazy, delusional, ridiculous, foolish, sarcastic (on the fence on where this one belongs) – there are surely more but why focus on the negative? And some fall somewhere in-between; or rather, I know they are not necessarily negative per se, but when they were thrown at me, were not meant to be complimentary: eccentric, weird, different. Many, as you can see, are contradictory because perception is, well, what you perceive.
One day I will get to the point in my life where I can say this is my philosophy as well. I am working on it. I like to think I’m a good 75% there.
What has this got to do with my title? Everything. And nothing, to tell the truth. I am, and have been, at various times in my life, every single one of the adjectives above – and more. And will again in the future. Because that is who I am. What you see, is what you get. No one is all good, all the time, no matter what people say or think (ridiculously optimistic)? Nor are they all bad, all the time either (foolishly delusional)?
Because I have been thinking lately about friendships and romance. And won’t lie. Have been rather frustrated and kinda lonely at times. Maybe I’ve been thinking too much!
We are dying from overthinking. We are slowly killing ourselves by thinking about everything. Think. Think. Think. You can never trust the human mind anyway. It’s a death trap.
And, much as I say I have no expectations, it’s really hard not to have at least a little…
Friendships: We form all sorts of friendships with people. Some are surface-type and of lesser import and others go much deeper. With the deeper ones, we like to think (and can’t help but expect) the other feels the same way about us as we do, them. It is heartbreaking when you realise that no, you are not on the same wavelength at all. Sometimes the other plays along to your tune to make you happy until they finally admit to themselves that this is not what they wanted in the first place and slowly drift away or immediately cut ties. You are left standing wondering what the hell you did wrong and why the music stopped. The truth is, you did nothing wrong. And neither did they. The other had different lyrics in mind. To be fair, it goes both ways. And to be even more honest, there rarely is malicious intent (this may be naive of me but I’ll keep that trait, thank you very much). Of course, it would be wonderful if each communicated to the other their desires from the get-go…
“When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as
the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.”
― Kahlil Gibran,
Romance/Sex/Love: This one is a hard one. I can say all sorts of things but losing Mick put me in a position I was frankly not that interested in finding myself. I remember telling him once that I would prefer to keep the devil I knew then to find myself out there on the “market” again. Thanks a lot, Mick. What’s a woman to do? 51, working in her own kitchen, all her friends (mostly) are coupled… How are you supposed to meet
people guys? So I signed up for a couple dating Apps. Yes, those ones. And I won’t lie. I had a lot of fun. And a lot of headaches. I was not looking to become part of a full-time couple – not permanently, anyway and not at that particular time 😉 I wanted to go out, do stuff with someone, date. Not that I have a problem with taking myself to the movies and such; but let’s face it, it is much more enjoyable à deux. This dating shit is not for the faint of heart, lemme tell you. I could write a book. Point is, I go off and on these stupid sites every time I get fed up of being alone and in the hope of meeting someone who wants to do more than have a one-night-stand. That old optimism thing. Which I quit again. Was exhausting.
“…sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I get bored. And sometimes all I want, more than anything else in the world, is to go on a freaking date.”
― Kiersten White,
I shall call this my little rant. It shall pass. It always does.