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Expiration Date

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Who the hell stamped me “Best Before —”? I am unsure of the exact date but it appears I may have passed my “Desirable Expiration Date”.  Never occurred to me that I might even have one.  I can’t help but think of that silly (not so silly) skit with Tina Fey, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, Patricia Arquette and Amy Schumer.

Okay, okay, I know, I’m not an actress – so those sorta “rules” are not supposed to apply.  Right, uh huh, sure.  I may not get the gig either.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I am very much desirable to the unavailable (read, married), older (you’re 72? I’m only 55, FFS!), substance-enhanced (read drunk or stoned).  Boy, they come at me hard (well, maybe not so much), lemme tell you. Really makes me feel sexy and desirable.  As if it is a turn on to be given a slot in the day when he is available for a quickie in a seedy motel:  “You don’t really want a drink or a meal do you? How ’bout I save a buck and go to your place?”  Or how about being told: “You turn me on, and I’m very romantic but I’m not into the deep dive coz…” Well, coz you’re too old, Dude, and sans blue or pink pill, the parts don’t function!  But the best is being approached by someone who is three sheets to the wind or buzzed out of his mind. Yeah, that really tells me how fabulous I am… truly. I do look my best when I’m blurry.

I am, of course generalizing here. Not all married men want just a quickie; not all older gents have issues; as for sex with drunks? No thanks, there I can say I have been there, done that, don’t want the t-shirt, or the lack of, um, satisfaction for all your going-nowhere efforts.

While I am not looking for a steady boyfriend and definitely not marriage, it would be nice to meet a fella or two with whom I could go on dates with. You know, dinner with interesting conversation and a movie and who knows, maybe a horizontal mambo should the desire strike us both – without the worry of someone being hurt, or business remaining unfinished, or feeling like I should find a bill or two on the nightstand.

I’m not dead yet – very much alive, to tell the truth – and though things may not be as quite fresh and firm as they once were, they are not that bad at all and still quite ripe (not yet over-ripe) for the picking, or more precisely, a fondling. The ladies my age and older (those who are still interested in romance and passion – and I respect those who have closed that door, even if I don’t understand it) know that we still have many good years ahead of us.

We want to feel the goosebumps with a light touch of fingertips and lips as we tilt our head back, exposing our neck. We want to feel the heat rise in our bellies and spread out through to the tips of our extremities, imbuing us a warm glow. Give us cause to catch our breath in anticipation of what comes next.

Nope.  My “Best Before” date has not arrived yet. But that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve something better.

Lyrics to the song are here.

 

 

 

157 thoughts on “Expiration Date”

  1. I’m no expert but I can tell ya that to my eyes you don’t look even CLOSE to expiration date, and if some men find you to be past expiration or think of you as nearing expiration in the attraction department, it is THEIR imminent (or long past) ‘expiration date’ in that they are broadcasting. …
    FWIW.
    As for what you deserve, at any age and as long as you desire it — you deserve it. As long as you ain’t dead or wishing to close that door, it ain’t closed. End of story.
    And 55 ain’t old.
    So there’s that. …
    And so, I wish for you all that you wish for yourself. Those men who don’t realize what they are missing, need, I think, new glasses to go with their blue or pink pills.
    XOXO,
    Na’ama

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hah! I am of course exaggerating just a tad… a tad mind you. For humour’s sake and all that.
      I know it ain’t old. And I know there are many decent men out there and this rant is just for the sake of writing something that occasionally bugs me.
      And you are the sweetest.
      xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      • Exaggeration is a good thing sometimes… especially when one needs to make a point about things that don’t make no sense to begin with … (like expiration dates …). Rant away, my friend.
        🙂
        In my book, if it bugs you, it warrants being voiced. And … there’s truth in what you wrote, as far as how society still seems to view chicks of the human kind. So there’s that, too.
        Here’s to decent men.
        If they’re out there – and some are – they better start lining up in your direction. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

        • Indeed… fodder for posts 😉
          And, it is a bother. And honestly, I am not even looking for a full-time, all the time guy…
          Cheers to decent men! The other ones who are not already my good friends.
          My black book has become severely anemic…

          Liked by 1 person

          • Well, you can seek whatever you want – and there’s nothing wrong with not looking for a ‘full-time, all the time guy’ – that people even raise an eyebrow at it (and some do) only comes to show how much the double standard still exists. Because it seems ‘fine’ for men to want such non-committing-commitments, so why not for women to seek same? Now, that doesn’t mean that ‘anything goes’ and no boundaries are needed (for starters – a man who betrays his wife ain’t a man in my eyes and totally ain’t worthy your time, let alone your energy …). So, I hear ya on the anemic listings but I still think the good ones should make a beeline in your direction. 😉

            Liked by 1 person

          • Exactomundo! I have reached the point in my life where I know what I don’t want. Makes it a tad more difficult to get what I do 😉
            And pfft. No. He ain’t worthy of my time but he served a purpose at a certain, ahem, point of my life…

            Like

  2. It’s ironic the Best Before dates only seem to apply to the female segment of the population. Yeah, it most definitely would be nice to meet a fella or two with whom one could go out on dates without the strings or head games that seem to be a part of that desire. It’s a bonus when they can pay their own way, too.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Ah, dear, lovely Dale, you had me smiling with recognition all the way through this, though I could feel your anger too. I’ve long felt past my expiration date, though I’m only 50. I was never a girl who put herself forward, always found men a bit grabby, wanting a lot in return for not much, so have always been very good at snubbing unwanted advances. Maybe it stems from my teens – I remember getting some uncomfortably long looks from some of my dad’s male friends that made me very self-conscious. Yeah, I know, right, yuck! But man, we gals really are put in our place come a certain, indefinable age, aren’t we? I think it says an awful lot of (certainly some) men that they’re only attracted to something young and smooth – I’ve always found it unsettling that many men want their women plucked, buffed. We’re mature, intelligent, independently minded women, not little girls! Anyway, I wholeheartedly agree with Na’ama – you are a fantastic, smart, attractive woman and any bloke who doesn’t see that (or only sees it when drunk or stoned) is not worth having. Thank you for your honesty and for this very personal post x

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Oh my lordy but I am feeling you on this one, Dale! The latest one for me was last week, with a guy turning on all the supposedly sincerely sweet charm you can imagine… right up until we connected on facebook messenger and I see on FB that he’s MARRIED. What? Dude! Confronted him with it and at least he had the decency to own up and apologize, but still. He insisted that he really had had a great time meeting me and found me very attractive — so at least he doesn’t think my sell-by date has passed — but yeah, what good does that do me? For the record, you look super hot to me. Like, to the point where I’d be worried to go to a singles dance with you, LOL! Keep looking, and keep your standards up. I have faith that we’ll both find what we deserve, but boy, you’ve got to kiss (or avoid kissing) a lot of frogs along the way!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am laughing out loud here (re the worried to go to the singles dance… Puh-leeze.)
      Yeah. Once upon a time, I didn’t care if they were married because I was in a different place. Now, they tell me up front they are married and just want a li’l side-action… ummm. nkay. I would rather have a drink first? LOL.
      And I know we are far from past out expiration date and there are younger men who actually want us (which I often wonder has it to do with getting another notch in their belt?)
      I gots me slimey lips from so many frogs…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Laughed at the “slimy lips” — yes indeed! It *is* weird how the age thing works. I keep ending up with much younger men, in part because I am apparently terrible at guessing men’s ages. (I mean, I can tell he’s younger, but by HOW much? Wowsers.) But they can’t be *so* terrible that they don’t see that I’m older than they are — and they say they like older women (more mature, more confident, more real, less drama), and who am I to argue? And then I get hit on by men old enough to be my father. But what about the men MY age? They all seem to be married or bitter or idiots, or some combination thereof.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Sistah! That skit is hysterical!

    And now….stop it. You are fierce. A fucking Warrior. You’ve had some shit in your life but you are still standing, even in the wind. You are not unworthy – all those men are unworthy. It’s not just ANY guy who can handle you. You need substance – a man who has been in the trenches himself and come out the other side with an appreciation for love and life. That’s not so easy to find in a man. Many of them come out of the war without learning a damned thing. Stand tall, Lady, so he can recognize you when he sees you. Because he’s there, probably thinking the same thing you are.

    Loves and Hugs…..
    😘💖

    Liked by 1 person

  9. This 71 year old, married man, whose prostate meds would not be overcome (No pun intended) by any amount of blue, pink, or rainbow coloured pills, has thoroughly enjoyed this chatter. I must say that I agree totally with all that’s been said. No matter what any modern thinking individual may say, do, or legislate on, it cannot be denied that men and women are different. I haven’t yet reached my expiration date, although my best before date is somewhat in the past.

    Wow, that mermaid sure looks good!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I loved your rant, Dale. I guess I would want to say the same stuff if I had to deal with annoying men. I think someday you will find someone who shares your desires. For the record at 55 you are still a kid.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I struggle to even get to that part, not being able to find someone to tickle my brain properly let alone anything else. This is the crap that makes switching teams look better every day…. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Such an incredible, honest post. What you’re really describing here is some of the basic human needs. For intimacy, connection, touch. To feel needed and desired. And it’s not just about sex (although that is a part of it). It’s all of the other elements of those concepts too. The ability to sit across a dinner table and smile and laugh and share things without fear. To cry and to be held. To touch and to be loved and admired. And sometimes, yeah, just to knock it out every now and then.

    Thank you for sharing this.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you so much, Mark.
      And you are right, of course.
      That is exactly what this is at its core and beneath the humour.

      Thank you for not only reading but your thoughtful comment.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I like this one for several reasons. 1) I see the post as a personal vent … but … 2) the humorous approach lightened the load. You also got me thinking of attractive ladies that I know who are 50-65 … and I think – they aren’t they with anyone? They are nice – They are attractive – They seem to have something to offer. I find it puzzling. On the other hand, everyone has baggage … men included … and that can get in the way. At times I wonder what it would be like to be single at this age – but – at least I don’t have to worry about that at this time. Loved the post, Dale!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Glad you liked this one, Frank. Yes, it was a personal venting with a humorous twist – coz, that’s how I roll!
      Attractive ladies from 50-65 find themselves in a conundrum. They have much to offer, but are not interested in putting up with shenanigans of men. We know what we don’t want. It is puzzling that it is so friggen hard.
      And be very glad you don’t have to worry about it! Though you would probably be a gentleman and would charm any lady onto the dance floor and take it from there 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  15. I can’t believe all this! Is it really that horribly bad? Are those guys realling trying all their lousy tricks on you, my gorgeous friend?! I sincerely hope that you exaggerated wildly because if not, it would be utterly disgusting….. I also think that the ‘good guys’ get kinda lost here because they would NEVER approach a woman in that perfide lowscale way. I hope – for you and your sisters!!!
    I nearly died watching the clip – never saw it and it definitely hits for too close to the truth to not hurt.
    Also quite interestingly, I had a (sort of) discussion with HH about the ‘…. and then…..’ question. He somewhat pee’d off said: I know you’d never be alone and will always find company (and mind you, I’m quite a bit older than 55) – and HH was bathing in self-pity. And then I think I killed him by saying: Yes, I think I could but I wouldn’t ever live together with someone 24/7. (I said more but this isn’t the place for the rest)….. Just saying! Men generally, even the good ones, or the ‘better’ ones seem to think that the world isn’t able turning round w/o them handing out the rulebooks.
    You are exactly as young or old as you feel – and I see with my own very bad sighted eyes that there is a lot of life and Joie de Vivre left in that on with this Delectable Life Blog….. 🙂 I send you kisses and a huge BRAVO for voicing your feelings. (only the guys in question here won’t read your blog!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • So sorry, Kiki! I did respond but with my cell so who knows what happened?
      I have barely exaggerated at all, I’m afraid. The world has changed and gentlemen are now a rare breed. The internet and texting have given people “permission” to say things they never would in person.
      That clip is hilarious – and at the same time sad because it is so true…
      Oh, I hear you. I’m not saying I would never live with someone again but for now, the idea is just not one I desire. And HH’s comment about not being alone and always finding company – it could or not be true. I never thought I’d be in this boat, to tell you the truth. Sure, I could have a handful of men, and probably have some fun in the interim but I just don’t want the headache at this time.
      So, yes, I feel quite young and good and have a lovely life so no worries. This rant was born on a day when I was feeling particularly frustrated – thing I don’t often feel (plus, it made for a great blog post, don’t you think?)
      It was nice to get it off my chest! And, you’d be surprised. I made sure one of them did read it 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • GOOD ON YOU LOVE. I do the same, letting steam off to a friend I know I can trust and doesn’t interpret too wildly.
        Still, I think it’s ghastly that manners have gone so very much out of fashion. I also seriously consider myself just being a bit too much ‘one with the pink glasses’ as I’ve hardly ever had to deal with such asses, pardon my French!!!!! We had a school reunion last week and we exchanged the great and terrible moments we had together and I realised how very lucky I was. All the rubbish I produced w/o any fear of anything and no idea that the ‘vis-à-vis’ maybe didn’t have MY best interests at heart didn’t hurt me – the hurt came during the first mariage. But I must have escaped lucky so many times I feel ashamed even to think of the ‘what if’s and OMGs’…..
        It made a SUPER POST and one of these days I shall read ALL the comments – I think that’s an occuring theme and much more can and will be said about it. And maybe also SHOULD BE said! Love you.
        I hope THE ONE did read your post carefully. Maybe even at a relatively advanced age there might be hope. Well, me at least I will keep hoping until my last breath, because all other options sometimes are too terrible to consider.

        Liked by 1 person

        • That’s part of the fun of blogging. We can use it as a forum to open up a discussion or to vent and share. I figure if I just wanted to vent and didn’t want feedback, I would have closed the comments. But I was interested to see others’ reactions.
          And I am happy for you that you never had to deal with the asses of this world. Besides being great muses for blog posts, they are learning experiences, let me tell you. And times have changed. There are things I have done 30+ years ago that I would never consider doing today – and thankfully nothing untoward happened to me.
          I am glad you thought it made a super post. I love you to bits, too.
          I dunno. I think some don’t see themselves as others do… Doesn’t really matter, in the end. I shall keep on keeping on, enjoying the bits here and there and not put all my stock on another for my own happiness.

          Liked by 1 person

          • I agree. Maybe that last sentence is the essence of what we women had to learn. Not to sacrifice our own happiness…. I distinctively remember the time (moment) I decided that come what will, I’m in charge of my own happiness and every morning I decide consciously to be happy. Doesn’t work at all times but on the whole, I’ve made a pretty good life, am more generous to myself and just as importantly, to others, my nearest and dearest. I laugh (even) more and don’t take things seriously any longer. It’s so liberating!
            As for the ‘learning experiences’: I still cannot believe how innocently stupid I was – and eternally grateful that, same as you said, nothing untoward ever happened to me…. We say: More luck than brains – and so it was! But also a blatant lack of sex education 😉 – I did catch up, but as I said, I was one of the lucky ones!

            Liked by 1 person

          • Absolutely, Kiki. And I do, as well – choose to be happy. Of course there are days I decide I’ll be bitchy but it never lasts longer than maybe an hour 😉
            Let’s just call ourselves lucky in our stupidity…

            Liked by 1 person

  16. Well, first of all, even though I’ve never met you in person, I know you’re wonderful. And my god, you’re beautiful and smart too. So–obviously all those losers are just intimidated. 🙂
    As others have commented this is an excellent combination of venting and humor–and some of the comments are hilarious, too.

    Like

  17. Q,

    Do they have Meet Up in Canada? It’s an online community thing that peeps can use to meet other peeps for a variety of different areas of interests- from museum going to live music to book readings and it goes on and on, really. And if there isn’t a group to your liking, you can make your own and then network.

    Also, younger peeps are more amenable to ‘mambo’ sessions with no strings attached. Other than the occasional live music or wine tasting night or day out which would be followed with the ‘ahem’. Not talking about so much younger that you have zero to talk about. Mid thirties, divorced . . that works. They’re just looking to be relevant after going back on the market, lol.

    And umm, what’s wrong with choosing married peeps to mambo with? 😉

    Love your ‘rant’. You always do it up the right way. With sexy and smarts and the perfect tunes. 🙂

    B

    Liked by 1 person

      • The Meet Ups are a good idea from that standpoint. But you really need to be a part of several in order to cast the net.

        Old rules no longer apply, so utilize the less traditional methods. Just be sure not to mimic my ‘system’ which inevitably ends with “I didn’t just do THAT!”. LOL

        The definition of ‘dinner’ is varied, you must get a straight up agreement on it meaning more than mozzarella sticks and beer.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Yeah. No. Maybe.

          Ain’t that the truth. Your system is rather… interesting, to be sure. I have done my own “I didn’t just do THAT” moments, myself. Best kept under wraps…

          This is a truism. Though, yanno… depending on the situation, guy, etc. maybe that’ll do 😉

          Liked by 1 person

          • It’s worth a shot for reals.

            Also, doesn’t FB have the similar meet up things too? Most social media platforms do, I’m sure. And flash mobs . . they’re full of interesting peeps.

            Too true for me. It’s a manic, depressive, altered state which will remain under wraps in perpetuity. Pass the Tylenol and ice pack, por favor . . .

            Every situation is a possibility. This is the Zen capture of single life.

            Liked by 1 person

          • This from Mr. Joiner-Upper 😉 I did sign up but will have to change the parametres because… blech.

            Honestly, much as I can be a social butterfly, I am not into joining group things. I spent a loooooong evening as a plus one at a Club Jeep gathering. Bored out of my tree.

            I feel ya. We all (most of us) have done stuff that should remain locked up.

            Yes, indeed.

            Liked by 1 person

          • And not just the parametres . . but the parameters as well. 😉

            I don’t mind the plus one thing, as I don’t even recognize it any longer. It’s more a matter of having someone to chat with, that’s all that I care about. One person to chat with, I’m good. At the girls parties, I have Jeannie. If she doesn’t come, I pick someone else or leave early, problem solved.

            I won’t even journal my stuff.

            😉

            Liked by 1 person

          • Of course… in case there are some Yanks in the group…

            I was asked to accompany and it was an hour’s drive and I was sans my car. I did find someone(s) to chat with but honestly, I was done an hour in. I mostly sat back and listened to the convos around me.

            I don’t either.

            Liked by 1 person

          • In those situations, I have my exit strategy if I ain’t got a person or two (tops) to chat up with. And the great thing about being of a certain age, I just go. No apologies or explanations necessary. Hey, I showed up in the first place, yanno?

            Liked by 1 person

          • That was a misstep, but hey, it happens and there’s no use crying over spilled beer. I always drive myself, everywhere. It must be an offshoot of being claustrophobic. I need a ladder and I need it to be the one I brought with me, LOL.

            Liked by 1 person

          • That it was. And I usually do, as well but since this was a longish drive…
            And I held back on the drinking of the beer, having consumed more than enough alcohol the two previous days.
            So, that means I can’t drive you anywhere? 😉

            Liked by 1 person

          • Longish drives are no bueno. You lose control of the situation, after which you are subject to the who knows what and what knows who?

            All that drinking AND you could still ride shotgun? You Canadians truly are a hardy lot! I can’t do passenger seat unless it’s a quick ride somewhere.

            Oh, of course. Driving is another thing I would give up doing when I become famous. Of course, if the back seat treats me friendlier than the passenger seat, that is. Otherwise, my driver is going to have the easiest gig ever, LOL

            Liked by 1 person

          • There is that. But I am not quite like you when it comes to this stuff.

            No, no, that drinking did NOT happen whilst I was riding shotgun! I had one beer in the whole evening.

            Some folks can’t be in the back seat…

            Liked by 1 person

          • Ain’t nobody quite like me, which is a good thing.

            I mean, even having had alcohol within the same period of time- days?- is impressive.

            Yeah, if that doesn’t work, then my driver will be making bank driving me to the supermarket, the liquor store and the donut shop. Total win for driver!

            Liked by 1 person

          • No seriously, I couldn’t be in the passenger seat of a car for a long drive after having had alcohol in the same WEEK. My system is rather enigmatic in that it has been able- to this point- to withstand a love affair with pain killers and copious amounts of alcohol but . . it can’t be a passenger in a car on a long drive after having eaten a heavy meal within the last twenty four hours or having imbibed an alcoholic beverage within the same week. Odd.

            Liked by 1 person

  18. Dear Dale,

    When I have more than a few moments I’m going to come back and enjoy the bantering. You already know my thoughts and feelings. 😉 I’ve eleven years on you and don’t think my use by date has expired. Nuff said. Loved your rant. Say it, girlfriend. Say it with gusto.

    Shalom and lotsa strong woman hugs,

    Rochelle

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Rochelle,

      It was quite the enjoyable back and forth, I do agree. And yes, I know your thoughts and feelings 😉
      So very glad you enjoyed my rant!

      Shalom and lotsa fierce love,

      Dale

      Liked by 1 person

  19. I was single when I was 60…and my experience was that there were a lot of very creepy, undesirable men on internet dating sites. They were all looking for ‘hook ups’. I just wanted someone to date, do things with, friendship, and maybe a relationship. After many online chats and meeting several over coffee – all of whom were a huge disappointment in real life – I was ready to give up and enjoy being single. Then I met my real man. He wanted to take it slow. We chatted online for a few weeks, then talked on the phone for a few more before we met for lunch. We’ve been together now for 5 years. My point? There is no expiry date! This is the best relationship I’ve ever had. So, stop worrying about time. When the time is right, he’ll find you. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. I honestly don’t understand what you ladies see in guys and it’s astonishing that we have not gone extinct as a species based on the behavior of the louts you described. I love your sass, and I don’t think anyone is ever going to get one over on. You’re too sharp for that. As for expiration dates…F*#% ’em, there for the someone else! You’re the best Dale!

    Liked by 1 person

    • My dear Tim – how fabulous of you to comment on this here post. Not all guys are louts – just the single ones 😉
      I am keeping my sass, don’t you fret and this is all in jest (sort of) because I am definitely not done yet!
      Thank you so much for your attitude!

      Liked by 1 person

  24. Someone I know was 60 when she took a lover twenty years younger. He chatted her up when she was at her least attractive, recovering from a serious operation, and persisted until she gave in. Never give up, girl, there IS potential out there!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yay for your someone! A friend of mine had a lover 10 or so years her junior – till she was 70 (and he took ill)…
      I’ve not given up – just got a decent post out of my rant. 😉

      Like

    • Boy, did you ever hit on a subject that, as soon as I read, I knew you would get a looooonnnng list of responses on. And, from both sides of the aisle. Due to the long list of eloquent writers, of whom I am not, I’ll keep this short. As you well know, I am married and don’t hide it. I feel for you and not sure how I would handle all this if I were single again. I hope it never happens until I move to my permanent horizontal address. I also may be not as young as many here but, hopefully, not even close to my expiration date. Lol and knock on wood. You, and most writers, put their heart and soul out there to be viewed by all the world. Many uncaring, selfish, egotistical people will always take their potshots at you, and everyone around them. I enjoyed reading this as well as all the responses. It is a heated debate for sure, and many will be intimidated. As for me, I’ve been all over the world, seen many Walmart and been to a few County Fairs…..so not much scares or intimidates me anymore. Good job! AS ALWAYS.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you, Jan. I love how it did get a discussion going! And that’s all a writer of a blog can ask, really. That their subject be one that generates a discussion.
        I almost didn’t share this one, fearing peeps would think I was being all “woe is me” which I surely am not! Am glad most realised it was just a sharing of the zoo that the dating world has become… 😉
        So glad you liked!

        Like

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