Who the hell stamped me “Best Before —”? I am unsure of the exact date but it appears I may have passed my “Desirable Expiration Date”. Never occurred to me that I might even have one. I can’t help but think of that silly (not so silly) skit with Tina Fey, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, Patricia Arquette and Amy Schumer.
Okay, okay, I know, I’m not an actress – so those sorta “rules” are not supposed to apply. Right, uh huh, sure. I may not get the gig either.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I am very much desirable to the unavailable (read, married), older (you’re 72? I’m only 55, FFS!), substance-enhanced (read drunk or stoned). Boy, they come at me hard (well, maybe not so much), lemme tell you. Really makes me feel sexy and desirable. As if it is a turn on to be given a slot in the day when he is available for a quickie in a seedy motel: “You don’t really want a drink or a meal do you? How ’bout I save a buck and go to your place?” Or how about being told: “You turn me on, and I’m very romantic but I’m not into the deep dive coz…” Well, coz you’re too old, Dude, and sans blue or pink pill, the parts don’t function! But the best is being approached by someone who is three sheets to the wind or buzzed out of his mind. Yeah, that really tells me how fabulous I am… truly. I do look my best when I’m blurry.
I am, of course generalizing here. Not all married men want just a quickie; not all older gents have issues; as for sex with drunks? No thanks, there I can say I have been there, done that, don’t want the t-shirt, or the lack of, um, satisfaction for all your going-nowhere efforts.
While I am not looking for a steady boyfriend and definitely not marriage, it would be nice to meet a fella or two with whom I could go on dates with. You know, dinner with interesting conversation and a movie and who knows, maybe a horizontal mambo should the desire strike us both – without the worry of someone being hurt, or business remaining unfinished, or feeling like I should find a bill or two on the nightstand.
I’m not dead yet – very much alive, to tell the truth – and though things may not be as quite fresh and firm as they once were, they are not that bad at all and still quite ripe (not yet over-ripe) for the picking, or more precisely, a fondling. The ladies my age and older (those who are still interested in romance and passion – and I respect those who have closed that door, even if I don’t understand it) know that we still have many good years ahead of us.
We want to feel the goosebumps with a light touch of fingertips and lips as we tilt our head back, exposing our neck. We want to feel the heat rise in our bellies and spread out through to the tips of our extremities, imbuing us a warm glow. Give us cause to catch our breath in anticipation of what comes next.
Nope. My “Best Before” date has not arrived yet. But that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve something better.
Lyrics to the song are here.