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A Brief, Bright Light

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Before surgery
Swimming in the lake
Bathtime with Daddy
I can sit by myself!
Tracy & Sébastien’s Wedding

 

He was a surprise, and arrived too soon, and with many challenges.  His heart was broken, but they believed it could be fixed, later.  In his seven-month, twenty three-day lifespan, I discovered a strength I did not know I had. I discovered I was capable of dealing with a sick child and giving him so much love and the best life I could for the five-and-a-half months we had him at home.  He saw his aunt barrel race, he kicked his feet in his grandmother’s lake and in our pool.  He was adored by all.  I refused to keep him in a bubble, knowing, I know not how, he would not be with us for a long time.  No medals, no ribbons, no accolades can ever match the self-respect and pride I feel for handling Austin’s birth, life and death with the grace I did.

 

Flowers bloom with joy

Nurtured by the sun until…

Silenced by winter

 

It’s all Merril‘s fault again.  I wasn’t going to participate in yesterday’s dVerse challenge because I thought it would be too hard. Then I read Merril’s and decided to go for it.  Lillian is the host and she asked us to write about one shining moment in a Haibun WITH a KIGO AND a SAIJIKI – what the hell are these things?

 

 

204 thoughts on “A Brief, Bright Light”

  1. And so now you have me bawling! My Austin was such a cutie pie. I know you are strong, but what a sad way to find out. I’m glad though you got to love him for a brief, shining moment. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Dear Dale,

    Do Kigos and Saijikis come with standard transmission? Sorry…had to lighten the mood while I dried my tears. Beautifully written. I’ve said it before and will say it again. You are my hero.

    Shalom and lotsa emotional hugs,

    Rochelle

    Liked by 2 people

    • Dear Rochelle,

      So very glad you did! Just so you know, a Kigo is a word or phrase to describe a season and a Saijiki is a pause, represented by a comma, ellipsis, etc. The things I learn…
      And I didn’t want to bring tears but I fear I had to go here as the text preceding the haiku had to be true…

      Shalom and lotsa grateful love,

      Dale

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This was full of heart, my friend. All heart. All love.
    And lovely.
    A really lovely poem, too.
    We don’t ask for what we have to endure, and we often cannot control its happening, but HOW we endure it, and the kind of person it makes us … this is what we can try to control. You are amazing. Hugzees, Na’ama

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I just can’t imagine. Well, I can imagine, but don’t want to. One of the only things I have feared through my life, even as a firefighter, was finding myself in that situation. I don’t know if I could survive it. May Austin’s memory be eternal. Hugs from SC.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is rather impossible to imagine, Ray. Something we definitely don’t ever try to, that is for sure. I think it must be awful to find a dead or dying child. I can’t even imagine that.
      Thank you. Hugs back from Quebec

      Like

  12. You’re an amazing Mom and woman Dale. I know it must have been hard to share this but it is a message of inspiration that we can be strong even when we feel we can’t do it. Sending so many hugs. xo

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, Björn. I always felt that it is one of those things that life throws your way. Why do some parents lose their children to disease, to war, to whatever. Who am I to be excluded from such? So I am the type who lives in the moment and takes what I can while I have it. Maybe his purpose was to teach me what I was made of.
      I don’t imagine a child would understand such a tragedy so better you didn’t…

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Peter. Yes he was – once he was home. At the hospital, he was known as Austin the Terrible! I hesitated to use that picture because of the scar but hell, it was part of him and his joy at being able to sit up was too good to not use.
      I really appreciate your kind words, Peter.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Dawn. No, I never feel it wrong to share stories of him or any of the ones who have left too soon. He was definitely a bright moment. Thank you so much.

      Like

  22. having worked with terminal children I’ve often thought angels are sent to teach us about impermanence! What wondrous memories you have 🙂

    But you are right … it highlighted your love and resilience ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  24. The intimacy of life is the greatest gift. And stays with you forever an ever. Obviously. Tiny flowers with the biggest of blooms. I bow to the Gardner’s, indeed. Thank you for sharing your bounty.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. You just absolutely crushed me. I’m not sure what to say. I cannot imagine. But I see those photos and how you speak about Austin. All I can grasp at is that you are such a good person, Dale.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh.. Not my goal! You don’t have to say anything. It’s crazy, He would have been 24 this past May and time flew by so quickly. He was a tiny being who brought so much to so many people in his short life. I guess that was his purpose. Who knows. Life is full of challenges and we don’t know which ones will be handed to us. All we can do is be in the moment and cherish each one. I guess you can surmise I am very much an in the moment, take it all in kinda gal. Good? Maybe. I must surely have my moments 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  29. Dale, I am so glad I met you and you can be sure your Bright Light is still burning within the singular and exceptional person who is you. Words fail me beyond saying that, and this is me, the writer. Much love, Jillyxx

    Liked by 1 person

  30. This was beautiful, my friend! We never know what we have in us or what we are capable of until we are there. There are no medals, no ribbons, no accolades that can ever match!
    ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Dale, this is probably the most beautiful writing I’ve read from you… be it the heartbreaking story, the power of your love and strength, your involvement, the artistry of your words [perfect sequence]… moved and yep… I’ll join that huge group of people who think of you as their hero! 😉
    Huge hug and love.
    xoxoxo
    ps his light is still bright…

    Liked by 1 person

  32. Even though I haven’t met you ‘in the flesh’ (!!!!) nor have I known your little Austin, you DO deserve all praise and medals for surviving that time of his short life and death….. I send you a smile and many loving thoughts, and I’m in tears.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. What a sad story, Dale, and the haiku is so poignant. Parents are not supposed to bury their children, it’s too hard. I admire you for taking every moment you had with him and making it something to treasure.

    Liked by 1 person

  34. This was very touching, very moving, Dale. It brought tears to my eyes. I know what it’s like to lose a child but I also know the joy and blessings he brought into our lives for the 11 years he was with us. They will always live on in our hearts and memories. It takes a lot of strength and in my case, faith to deal with the loss of a child. I admire your courage and resilience.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Adele. I know you know, sadly. Not something I would wish only anyone. Yours is still so recent it must still burn so badly. Austin has been gone for 23 years already, the sting has lessened a lot. Now I am able to smile when I think of him and moments like these challenges, give me a chance to share that.

      Liked by 1 person

  35. Yes, it still hurts. The grief, the pain, the loss hits me at times and I just let the flood gates open. August will be a year since he died. Your Austin was a beautiful child. Perhaps one day in the future, I will be able to share a memory/a moment I shared with my son. Like you, losing a child isn’t something I wish anyone to experience.

    Liked by 1 person

    • And it will hit you in the middle of nowhere in future years. Sometimes it still brings tears. But mostly there is just a soft moment, now.
      I hope you will. For me, writing has been cathartic in losing my loved ones (too many, thank you very much!)

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks, Dale. I find that blogging helps me tremendously although there were times when I believe that I spent too much time that instead of with him. With the tears are the regrets but I try no to dwell on those. I try to dwell on the fun times we had together and I know that he wouldn’t want me to be sad. I know what you mean about losing too many loved ones. Last year was tough for me as I lose my parents and my son within months of each other. Still, life is a gift and so precious.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Don’t do that to yourself, Adele. It serves no purpose whatsoever than to give you unnecessary additional pain. I am positive you were there for him and your parents when it was time. In the day-to-day we live life as we see fit. Choosing to self-flagellate in retrospect won’t bring them back. Forgive yourself so that you can be at peace and know that you did your best.
          Sometimes I swear the Universe tests us more than it should! Sending you much love.

          Liked by 1 person

          • I have prayed about it and the Lord has told me to stop being so hard on myself. He said that the important thing is that I was there for my son. I agree with you that dwelling on or regretting past mistakes serve no purpose and won’t change anything. My son said that I was the best Mom ever and one of the things he loved about me was that I took care of him. Sometimes we focus too much on what we could or should have done. I will forgive myself and move on. It’s what my son would want me to do. And it’s the sensible thing to do. Thanks, Dale 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

          • Good. And, honestly, what better proof can you have but the words directly from your son’s mouth? You need not search further. We lose ourselves in things that don’t matter, probably as we search for the “why” of it all – thing I didn’t do because, when I look at the world, I cannot help but think “why not?” I am no better nor worse than the millions of mothers who have lost one, two, three, all their children to disease, war, etc.
            I am glad you choose to forgive yourself and move FORWARD.

            Liked by 1 person

  39. Looking for words…. I don’t see any in the laundry, in a pile of papers… let me look by the wine bottle!
    Okay, I’m back…no … none by the wine bottle. There is, however, a bit of wine left.
    Cheers to you, dear Thunder! Cheers! xo

    Liked by 1 person

  44. I’m so moved by this I don’t know what to say. Just, thank you for sharing your love and your pain and the peace that you have made with it. It’s amazing to me what the human heart can hold, and somehow keep going.

    Liked by 1 person

  47. I had a lingering doubt in my mind… But when I saw this post I realized I had seen it. Pardon pour avoir oublié. Ça n’arrivera plus.
    24 ans, then. 26 bientôt. On continue à compter n’est-ce pas? A s’imaginer ce qu’ils auraient pu faire et qu’ils ne feront pas.
    En Mai ça fera 5 ans que nous avons perdu l’un de nos gendres. Le fiancé de 6 ans de notre fille cadette. Ils allaient se marier en Octobre. Tout était prêt. Même la robe était achetée. Et bam! Un accident épouvantable. C’était devenu comme un fils pour moi.
    Et cinq ans plus tard j’ai toujours la gorge qui se serre. Ma fille va un peu mieux. Mais c’est très lent. Je ne sais pas ce qu’on va faire pour cet anniversaire.
    On verra. One step at a time.
    🙏🏻💕🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    • Don’t even go there. I don’t expect people to remember everything! Pas besoin de demander le pardon, mon cher.
      Oui, sa fête le 25 mai. Et c’est plus fort que nous… on compte.
      Oh mon dieu. Ta pauvre fille. Et vous aussi. C’est certain que la gorge serre. Un accident est vite arrivé et on ne peut jamais se préparer pour cela.
      J’ai une ami qui a perdu son frère deux jours avant ses noces à elle. Elle voulait tout annuler (son frère n’aimait pas son chum, en plus…) Elle a été convaincu d’y aller du devant. Deux enfants plus tard et un AVC et son mari l’a dompé.
      One step at a time is the only way to go. And one day, you stop celebrating the death anniversary and try to remember the good stuff. It’s the only way to move forward. He will always have a piece of her heart. Eventually she will meet someone and he will understand that that little section is sacred and he will love her for it. I know of what I speak.
      💕🤗

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      • C’est la mémoire qui flanche. Quand j’ai vu les images je me suis rappelé.
        Dur pour ton amie. Beaucoup de gens ne se rendent pas compte, tant mieux pour eux d’ailleurs, mais la vie est tragique.
        And yes, it is one day at a time. Et il arrive un jour où l’on sourit… Mais ça prend du temps.
        She’s already dated 3 guys, but… il y a toujours un “petit quelque chose” qui cloche pour elle. And you’re very right about the sacred section. It’s the only way it can work.
        (I know you know…)

        Liked by 1 person

        • C’est correcte!
          Oui, vraiment. La vie peut être pas mal tragique.
          Good for her! And, she doesn’t have to rush. C’est certain qu’il va toujours avoir un petit quelque chose qui cloche. It’s hard not to.
          (:) )

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          • C’est super! Bizarrement, ma soeur la plus jeune, a parlé avec son garçon plus en anglais et ses deux filles plus en français. Les trois sont parfaitement bilingues mais Nicolas semble le plus à l’aise de parler en anglais.
            Les trois soeurs avons parlé à nos bébés en français en premier et ensuite les deux langues. One of those things!

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          • Indeed. One of those things. Quand on est arrivés au Mexique, l’aînée avait 8 ans, la cadette 5 and. On les a mises au Lycée Français. La seule manière qu’elles “gardent” le Français. Et ma fille aînée ne parle presque jamais Français à ses enfants… (C’est moi qui fait le boulot.) 🤣

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          • Right.
            Je trouve ça plate. Mon beau-frère est grec. Il aurait dû parler à ses enfants uniquement en grec… Ils auraient été trilingues… Now? La plus vieille a découvert un intérêt à sa culture et regrette ne pas avoir apris la langue. Sad, to me.
            Une chance qu’ils ont un grandpapa qui fait le boulot. Et c’est correcte. Je connais une autre famille où la maman parle français, le papa anglais et les grandparents en italien. Boom! Done!

            Liked by 1 person

          • Boom. Absolument. Peu importe la langue, ça fait partie de l’héritage et on ne sait jamais quand ça peut servir. Je pense souvent au jour où on amènera le petit-fils à Paris. Et il va regarde partout en disant: “Mais tout le monde parle Français ici. C’est drôle.”
            Beau-frère? Mari d’une de tes soeurs. le Grec est une belle langue. UN joli son. Je connais quelques mots de Grec. Tu sais comme j’adore les langues… (Kali mera) 😉

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          • Kali spera Brieuc 😉 Moi aussi je connais plusieurs termes en grec (et adore les langues). Oui, le mari de ma soeur. L’autre est un québécoir pur laine. Ton petit-fils va sûrement trouver ça drôle!

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          • Haha. On est d’accord, les langues sont quelque chose de génial. UN jour j’ai vu à Paris une banque Grecque. J’ai commencé à déchiffrer l’inscription sur la façade. Et c’est là que j’ai vu que les Grecs appellent la France: Γαλλία (Gallia), cad la Gaule. Génial…
            (Ça y est, tu reprends du poil de la bête?)

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          • C’est intéressant. J’ai cru remarquer que les Québecois Francophone étaient souvent bilingues, alors que les Français par exemple continuent à être mauvais en Anglais. Chose que j’ai du mal à comprendre au jour d’aujourd’hui… Allez. Bonne semaine de récup’. Il faut que tu sois en forme pour ton nouveau job…
            Biz

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          • Oui. les québécois francophones sont souvent bilingues. Il y en a qui ne veulent rien savoir de l’anglais et c’est un vrai pain in the ass être anglophone au Québec maintenant. Ils me font chier avec leur “protégeons la langue française à tout coup”. L’Office de la langue française font chier tellement d’entreprises….
            Et oui. Il est tôt mais je vais me coucher! Must get better!
            Biz. (je ris à chaque fois car souvent on va dire biz pour bizarre… donc le ‘i’ est moins long… ) biz vs beez 😉

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          • A “bread” in the ass? LOL. Ces histoires de langues me gonflent aussi. En Belgique, les Flamands parlent presque tous le Français mais les wallons pas le Flamand. Ce qui énerve les Flamands à juste titre. La différence c’est que le Français est obligatoire dans les écoles Flamandes pas dans le écoles Wallones… Arghh!
            Ou comme en France, oú les Français continuent à être très mauvais en Anglais. 🙄
            On n’a qu’à mettre les deux langues dès la maternelle et dans 15 ans le problème est réglé.
            Beez? 🤣

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