Way back on Monday, Lisa hosted Prosery on dVerse.  We are to use the following chosen line from a poem in a piece of prose, not more than 144 words.  The rule is that we cannot insert any words within the quote but we are allowed to change the punctuation.  It’s one of my favourite of the dVerse challenges.

On this day without a date,
On a back street, dusky
— Charles Simic, from My Friend Someone

Over time, we become used to certain things.  Big. Little.  Some don’t even warrant a glance, never mind a thought.  We take them for granted.  Is it human nature to do so?  What, for many, in the beginning, thrilled us to have someone else do, we now expect. When do we become so nonchalant about our circumstances that we no longer pay attention and appreciate the little everyday things that are done for us?  It just is.  And then one day it isn’t.

Today, on this day without a date, on a back street, dusky, and away from the madding crowd, I ponder as I stroll.  My to-do list is ever lengthening and now, too late, I realise I didn’t express my appreciation enough.

With each task I accomplish, once done by another, I feel pride mixed with sorrow, and not a little remorse.

*One of the many things I have had to learn to do… 

Decisions, Temptations, Pressures, Self-Sabotage

Bloody hell! I think I have to re-evaluate just how I converse with The Universe! Or maybe I don’t follow the Law of Attraction properly. Or, even worse, maybe I am self-sabotaging again…

Here I am, with a golden opportunity to try something different, do the things I “never have the time to do”, do nothing at all, reflect, go into a totally different direction, create a new raison d’être, dream up a new business…

I feel like my world is out there, just waiting for me to experience it. If I don’t allow myself to be scared. Sometimes it feels like my vision is being blurred and I’m looking at an insurmountable wall!

Whiteface Mountain

Whiteface Mountain

Well, I happened to have climbed this particular wall just over 10 days ago so I know I can!

The thing is, I know it’s me who’s blurring my vision and no one else. I admit to having moments of uncertainty about what the future holds and making the right decisions but isn’t this part of the adventure? To finding out what the world has to offer me? To find my true path?

So what do I mean by decisions, temptations, self-sabotage and whatnot?

Well, along comes one job offer. At first I thought it could be interesting as it was to show houses on week-ends. Could be fun, I work on Dale’s Delectables during the week, make a few bucks on the week-ends (a little insurance, if you would)… I got tempted because it would be a way to be out there with people seeing if I have the chops to sell or promote something; then reason returned. What the hell am I contemplating? I won’t be able to do my cardio-kick class on Saturdays! More importantly, this totally cuts into family time! Everyone else works and goes to school during the week so I’ll disappear on the week-ends? Nix that one.

Then comes a second offer for 15-20 hours per week. Hmmm… that could be good. It was a “no-brain-required” type of job. I could continue figuring out what exactly to do with DD, whilst earning some coin doing something I’ve never done. In my mind, maybe it represented a few mornings per week. Nope, the schedule was: Monday and Wednesdays from 7:30 am to 4:30 pm AND Friday from 7:30 am to 12:00 – and at minimum wage, to boot! I would not have the time to really develop anything with DD and, let’s face it, I cannot see that working at a job at a third of my previous salary would be ego-boosting at all. No, seriously, this is a recipe for me to ensure that I do nothing to move foreward and into a new adventure. I could then try to convince myself that it wasn’t my fault, I just didn’t have the time.

I am so NOT going down that road!

There is also the pressure. I had a good paying job (which bored me to tears) with good benefits and allowed (arranged?) myself to be released from it (now THAT was a good use of the Law of Attraction!). So now I have basically less than half a year to “find” a new job to replace it. After all, hubby is self-employed and has none of those benefits (but tons others, if you ask me) so there is this nagging guilt that it is my job to go out and replace what I’ve lost. Bullshit. I wanted out of my job for about three years now and just never had the balls to actually quit, and felt the pressure not to so anyway. So, since I couldn’t quit myself, I got myself “quit”! (Note: Not overly proud of my technique but in the end I got what I wanted.)

Of course family means well when they ask if I have begun searching for a job yet or want details on what exactly I want to DO. As I am still unable to give a precise answer, it is met with some worry. Or when I say some of the ideas I do have, it is met with: “But there is a lot of competition in that” or “Do you think you could make enough money doing that?”, etc. I know they mean well and have my best interest at heart.

I truly have faith that this time I’ve been given will help me find clarity and finally figure out at the “ripe old age of 49” just what I want to be when I grow up!!